How to Avoid Money Fights

Financial issues are commonly cited as a primary cause of divorce. Fortunately, there are many steps you can take to minimize money fights and create peace within your home. Here are my top 7 tips for handling those financial disputes:

1. Understand that you each have a unique perspective on money.

We all have deeply held beliefs about money, many of which we are not even aware of. It is understood that these beliefs are started and formed at a young age and then reinforced by events and experiences in our lives and how we attach our own stories over time. It’s possible you grew up in a home where money was not an issue but your spouse did. You might value saving over spending, and your spouse is the exact opposite. If your spouse grew up wearing the clothes her older sister outgrew, she might place a high priority on buying new clothes regularly. Your husband might value having a brand new car because his family could only afford cars that were over 10 years old. Those new clothes or car might have more meaning to your spouse than you realize. Understanding your differing views can help you find middle ground.

2. Include all family members in the financial process.

There aren’t many of us that enjoy being told what to do. Creating, imposing, and enforcing a budget without input or explanation inevitably causes animosity. Have a meeting with the entire family and go over the spending plan, (You do have one, right?) Provide an opportunity for everyone to give their opinion and ask questions. Everyone will be more likely to stick to the plan if they’re involved in the process.

3. Discuss major purchases with your spouse.

Coming home with a pair of $50 shoes is one thing. Towing a new boat home without a discussion is a different situation. Have an agreement that all major purchases will be discussed beforehand and set a dollar amount for that threshold. And as far as the shoes are concerned, even smaller purchases can add up. So set an overall allowance to make sure money isn’t frittered away and surprises are minimized.

4. Schedule regular family spending plan meetings.

A 10-minute meeting once a week should be sufficient. Go over the spending for the week and compare it with your current guidelines. Discuss how the spending is matching up with the plan. Any corrections or adjustments should be addressed. It can also be a convenient time to see if anyone has any unbudgeted expenses coming up.

5. Give everyone an allowance, including you.

Many money fights come down to someone feeling a lack of freedom or control. Having to get permission before every little purchase can create resentment. Providing everyone in the household a few dollars to spend any way they desire can be helpful.

6. Have some common financial goals.

Everyone in the house is likely to be more agreeable to a reduction in spending if it’s being done to reach a desirable goal, such as a vacation. Saving for a dream house, retirement, or college can put everyone on the same page. Set, pursue, and achieve goals together.

7. Think before you speak.

If your spouse has overspent, again, take some time to get your emotions under control. Don’t let your lizard brain lash out. Share your concerns, but focus your words on the behavior and how it makes you feel, not the person. Be prepared to give an example of you would have preferred the situation to have gone. With this approach, you’re less likely to make someone defensive.

Unfortunately, money fights happens often. At the core of each money fight is usually an emotional reaction based on how the person feels and what they think they need to satisfy that feeling. With practice and understanding, most arguments over finances can be replaced with constructive discussions.